really bad at communicating

i think i am the most misunderstood person on the planet!
i just want to be freed from my ongoing thought-processes.
get out of my brain, you!
just shoot me, why don't you?
i hate being in boxes.
i hate assumptions.
what do i like?
normalcy.
i want to be normal!
i'd rather people say "hey, she's normal.", than have them say anything else.
life would be so much easier.
i know some people say normalcy is over-rated.
i also know they are wrong.
the best thing that could ever happen to me would be exactly that.
normal.
JUST normal.

exceem en schoon water

nou, ik heb uit desperatie maar een dure creme besteld online om hopelijk iets te doen aan mijn nare exceem. waarom ik in het nederlands schrijf weet ik ook niet, hoor! ik heb intussen 4 verschillende cremes en vetten van de dermatoloog geprobeerd, maar die doen of niks, of maar voor even, of maken het erger. ik heb echt een hele tijd gedacht dat ik ervan af was, maar sinds ongeveer december vorig jaar heb ik er weer last van. ik haat exceem!!! ik ga vanavond maar weer eens een keer televisie kijken, het is comedynight op tv. zucht. ik heb geen zin meer in dit weer.
ik ben wel blij dat ik mee ben gegaan met het waterwalk. ongeloofelijk dat mensen 3 keer zolang en 3 keer zoveel moeten lopen, alleen om water te halen dat geen eens schoon en gezond is. eigenlijk is het een grote schande dat dit mag gebeuren hier op aarde. en zo zijn er talloze dingen die schandalig zijn. de wereld is zo oneerlijk. for those of you who can't read dutch: sorry, maybe next time!!!

i skipped a night of sleep wednesday. i always end up tripping out when i've missed a night of sleep, getting tunnelvision and losing my balance all the time. last night i got about 12 hours of sleep, but i still feel deadtired. i was supposed to rsvp for something yesterday, but i didn't get a chance to till today. The thing is i'm sure at some point yesterday i did have the chance, but at that point i didn't think of it. nowadays, i have to write everything down. i'm getting soo old!!! blablabla...

yay!

i reconciled with a friend today. good stuff!

downcast and tormented

ugh! somehow i've caught the attention of certain christians on youtube who believe that slavery is approved of by god and that the bible even teaches on how to beat slaves and avoid persecution for it! how can people integrate so much hatred into such a loving message. i really am on the verge of crying over this. i feel like christianity is being so misrepresented by so many people. oh, great god in heaven, help me! shine through me! i was really hoping to write something easy and breezy today, but alas!

blegblog

just fed my virtual fish...
there really is a point to listening to people, even if you don't agree with what they say. i just find it incredibly tiring! going to the library tomorrow. at least books don't talk back!, but i'm really only going there for aaron. but they might have the book i'm looking for there. i'm wondering about the style of churches today. how the church basically has a podium for one person to say how they interpret a certain text from the bible, then there is singing, then there is socialising. i don't think that the early churches were like this. i think that possibly someone would bring a subject to the table, then everyone would talk about the subject. sure, there were certain chosen people to make ultimate decisions, but it was discussed. and in discussions, there is automatically the social aspect. and i imagine the songs weren't really planned ahead of time either. have fun!!!

stretching yourself out of boredom

hi! i have now subscribed to uctv, because i am so constantly confronted with mindless babbling on tv or online that i thought i'd watch something that doesn't necessarily teach me something, but at least keeps my brain from vegetating. i would like some feedback on a thought that entered my mind a couple thousand times today(exageration). Do i come across as if i'm constantly disagreeing with people? that's not what i'm trying to do. i just, really i'm just adding on to what someone says, or showing things in a different light. shouldn't i say what i'm thinking, if it doesn't hurt anyone. and if it does, isn't it their decision to be hurt, if they know i mean well? or is this an egotistical way of thinking? the friends i appreciate most (discussion-wise, if thats a word) are the ones who take what i have to say, trranslate to their own words and then add to that. i hope to acquire this art myself. on the most occassions, i'm just real impulsive, but that's usally because i've thought about things in other moments and have already come to my conclusions about them. so, just because i've come to a conclusion, doesn't mean that someone else's conclusion is wrong, so then why would i state my point? oh, it's an endless life of what to say and what not to say. why am i cursed with this burden of thought?!!! I hope soon people will read my blog and post some responses.
So anyway, as you've come to see if you've read this blog or the ones before it, my goal is not to tell you what's going on in my life, rather what's going on in my mind. Stay tuned to me, there's a real good chance that eventually you'll be able to read the "thoughts of a madman"!!! But hopefully not until Aaron's gone off to college or to travel the world or whatever...

thoughts and who will do my dishes for free?

I found the sandals, but they cost 119 euros! what is this world coming to?!
Thought for the day: If you want to have good friends, you have to be yourself.
2nd thought for the day: From the mouths of children and drunks comes the truth.
3rd thought for the day: Lisa Simpson is wiser than most 30 year olds of this day and age.
4th thought for the day: my flowers are now not just withered, they are dead.
5th thought for the day: I miss my kid!

By the way, is there anyone reading this who loves to do dishes and wash windows so much that they would go out of their way to do mine??? Just thought I'd throw that out there...

you call that style?!

For me, it's good morning! I have no idea if anyone has read my previous messages, but i'm sure eventually, a few of my friends will. Oh yeah, my mom read my messages, and wanted to respond, wrote a whole message and when she tried to post it, it didn't work.
I just wanted to say something about shoes and the way the styles change over time. I've looked all over for similar sandals to the ones i had when i was a teenager. Do they not exist anymore??? Really, i've seen hundreds of so-called sandals. They are all hard plastic, sometimes with heels, and the most awful colors. I just want a soft rubber (preferably with velcro) sandal! That's all i ask! Has anyone seen these anywhere? Let me know...

just my observation about a glass jar w/a green lid

If you have a glass jar with a green lid and your friend asks you, "why does that have a green lid?", do you answer: "because it's green."or "because it's a glass jar."or "because it's a lid on a jar.".
None of these answers are answers to the question that was asked. An answer that would be likely to be satisfactory might be "because it was painted green.". But that is more of an answer that would be used to satisfy a child. A more detailed answer would be (for ex.) "because it was painted green and the reason it was painted green, was because they did a series of tests to see which color would make the jar more appealing to people, sothat they would buy it.", which would most likely also be a satisfactory answer for an adult.

questions and answers

good morning, afternoon, evening or night. the flowers i got for my birthday are wilting away and there still in my window. by the way, for those of you who came over, thank you! It was such a great evening. i'm not sure i have anything useful today, but you can never really know if anything you say is going to be useful. so there, i've said something useful, or have i?
yesterday, i was talking to someone about how jesus would be percieved by people if he came to the earth in these times, rather than those times. Would he be the same? Would he walk everywhere, not take a plane or car? would he have 12 disciples from the general area where he came from, or would he have people from all realms of the earth. Who would follow him? If in this day and age he said to people, leave all your wordly possessions and follow me, literally walking with him everywhere he needed to go to preach, would people follow him? I'ts easy to say, i follow christ, because i try to be like him in my life. but could i give up everything i have, not to find those things ever again, to follow christ? it's obvious for those who read the bible with open eyes, that it's not just about giving up your things (and that that's not for everyone), but about giving up certain ideas or feelings, that you once held close to you. about giving up your pride, giving up your anger, giving up your fear, giving up your impulses. the struggle (for me) is, that after you've given up your pride, there's a new pride that was hiding under that one, give up your anger, you'll find new anger, give up your fear, there's new fear, give up your impulses, there's new impulses. How am i to say that my new (for ex.) fear is any better than the first? I feel like the phrase bob dylan used "i was so much older than, i'm younger than that now".
really, im open to any answers or comments that people have, but most likely i will have to learn the answers myself, if i don't, i can't make them my own. thanks for reading!

I'm tired

I've been watching different people's videos on youtube this week. I've randomly been led to all kinds of different people. Especially atheists and christians, well in any case people who like to argue their point. My brain is baffled, but not by the different opinions, but by such apparent hatred between so many people. Is this what god wanted? Does he really want people to come to their conclusions by the most offensive one, or the most controlling one? I don't know, i don't see god that way. I wish i could tell people exactly what god means to me, but i feel like i get sidetracked with explaining what i think the bible means. I mean, does god expect me to explain all the details that i understand (and even the ones that i don't). This seems impossible to me. There are so many layers, layer after layer to the bible AND my experiences with god. People tend to take certain verses from the bible that they haven't heard satisfactory answers to and blame this on god (who they think doesn't exist,but still even though god doesn't exist, god's horrible...), when really they should be blaming christians, if they blame anyone. And christians should take the blame for not portraiying god the way god is. didn't god tell us to use our gifts to practise loving the world? don't we have a holy spirit to refresh if we get beaten down. I can't imagine the holy spirit refreshing someone and then saying "now go insult that person" or "now go be narrow-minded"or "go say whatever it takes to make them afraid of hell". No, on the contrary. God said "love one another as i have loved you." God swallowed all his pride, and in his mind THAT was the only way to save us. So, wouldn't that be our way to save others?
This could just be me babbling on and on, but at the moment, this is what i'm thinking. But for many people, this is religious babbling and delusional, but i'm still interested to hear what people think.